Am I free?

Are you free? Another thought provoking question that came out of my prison class yesterday.

The topic was in regards to a story about Victor Frankl a Jewish man who was tormented and endured a Nazi death camp where he saw many of his family and friends die.

He realized that although he didn't have any physical freedom he still had the ability to think, imagine, and have self will. He excercised these freedoms and as able to influence many of those around him and guards for good.

So in the context of the question asked of me, there are many people who have liberties. But freedom comes in many different shapes and sizes.

For instance finacial freedom- if we make choices that include running up credit cards, over spend, and push ourselves to the max finacially do we have freedom? We have liberties to do all of those things, but hat does that do to us? We become slaves to work and money. We have to work ourselves ragged to pay off those things, and the stress that accompanies those choices.

We are free to make any choices we want in life- but what about choices that we make that are not for the better? Many people walk around with the guilt of these choices. They walk around with so much fear that they will be found out. That if they are found out what will people think?

So the question was a loaded one, yes I am free in the sense that I am physically not incarcerated. Yes I have the liberty to walk wherever and whenever I want to. But does that make me free? Are there people that have less freedom outside of the walls of a physical prision than those inside? I firmly believe yes.

I am not sure I can answer that question 100% yes. The fear of the future grips me quite a bit. Kyle's future, a life of pain and hardship surrounding that. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:34. This is a verse I try and hold onto each day.

Life can be extremely overwhelming and many times we live in dread and fear over what will come next. But does that paralyze us? Does it keep us from being free?

I want the answer to the question of am I free to be yes, but there are areas of fear that need to be constantly confronted.

Confirmation?

I am constantly struggling with hindsight. Lost in thoughts of wondering did I do the right thing, was that the right decision, was that the right move? Sometimes the thoughts can be paralyzing from moving forward.

A few years ago I read a book called Wisdom of crowds. Basically it was a book about studies asking the question are the majority of people right and should you base your decisions on what everyone else is doing? In short the answer is no.

The spiritual side of decisions is am I walking God's will, what is God's will for my life? In short many people are paralyzed by those thoughts also. With the worry that I am going to do something out of God's will that many people do nothing.

I will be the first to say not every decision in my life has been the most calculated, or even the wisest move. I have made a lot of decisions that I regret, not only from a right or wrong standpoint but also from a this was a huge waste of time standpoint.

The decisions that we make with Kyle on a daily basis is extremely tough and we may see the confirmation of right or wrong now but the full effect is going to be in a few years.

As I think through past, present, and future decisions I think not only about outcome but also character. In essence I believe that I represent what it means to follow God, and in some ways give a glimpse into God's character.

So what am I looking for in regards to confirmation? If the wisdom isn't in what the majority of the people say. What about the few?

One of my prayers each day is God allow me to have the courage to follow you even when I want to think only of my self.

It is easy to make decisions based on what will perserve me, my money, my selfishness etc. I realistically desire to make a few decisions each day that aren't based on that.

A couple days ago I was selling some dvds on craigslist. They for a minor amount of money but I was feeling extremely stingy that day and extremely selfish. A person offered me less money and I almost let them have it.  I looked at the text I sent him and it was much nicer than the mood I was in.

I begrudgingly accepted the amount and was hoping he wouldn't show up so I could sell them somewhere else for $20 more. The selfishness was creeping in for $20. (I am easy to pay off).

The young man showed up at my house, as I opened the door I knew I knew him but couldn't place him. We began talking and he shared how he was going to a show in Milwaukee. I asked him show like concert? His response was yea. I then asked him if he use to go to shows in Portage? You mean at Real Life was the answer.

(Long story short, I use to host concerts for heathen teens ( I say that in an affectionate loving way) of Portage back when  I was a youth pastor. I recieved so much flack and killed my desire to ever work with teens again. I regreted for a while ever doing those shows.)

He got excited when he found out I was the one who hosted them. He remembered me and told me I was driving by that church the other day and me and friend said "That is the church that loved teenagers."

I am not sure if there is better confirmation. Of all the words that can be said or used to describe a church or followers of Christ that is it.

As we all make decisions what is our confirmation going to be that we are doing what is right?

What is worth fighting for?

"My guidance counselor told me I had potential and could do many things the problem was there wasn't one thing I was passionate about." Were the words of a 23 year old young man I was talking to this week.
Through the conversation we had, I tried to pull out some sort of passion. In the end the best I could do was find out his passion for sports.
I wonder if many people in life have a passion that is worth fighting for? Ideals, principles, or people that they would go to any lengths to preserve.
Sure many of us have opinions, beliefs, family, jobs, careers, and even faith but do these become so familier that we become apathetic.

I love observing people that are determined, and focused. Curiousity and trying new things mark my life. So I really do appriciate those who are steadfast and solid.

Some are determined and focused because they have to be. Kyle has to be determined in order to get through each day. It is hard work for him to do the simplest tasks. It is work for him to go to school, eat, and go to the bathroom. Determination marks his life whether he wants it to or not.

Yesterday I met Bart. Bart is determined to provide for his family. Bart is disabled, an ex offender, and doesn't have much going for him. Yet Bart is determined, a hard worker, someone who is going to do all he can to provide for his family.

As I think back on this year in many ways I would describe it as a year of brokeness. One of the issues that has hit me the hardest is seeing many family and friends marriages/families split up.

It would be very easy to perscribe the items worth fighting for and those that are not. But the only one I can say that I believe is not worth fighting for is happiness.

I say this because for some reason we think that happiness is the goal in life. We (I) have the mentality that if I feel secure financially, safe from scary people, and have health than this what life is about. Once I have achieved these than I feel happy. Yes these are all the things worth fighting for.

But the questions is are these the things we fight for? Sure all these things are great but how much control do we have of these things?

Happiness- I don't believe comes from the logical places. Last week I had a friend text me and say I got a bonus from work do you know any families that coud use money this Christmas? Through the money given two families were blessed. Both have been struggling and fighting for marriages and survival.

This morning a man who lost his son to suicide is leading a group of people to build a bedroom for a family whose young girls lost their mother earlier this year.

Keeping away from pain, as much as try can we control it? Yesterday as we watched in horror of the conn, school shooting that was a good town in a "safe" neighborhood yet still tragedy struck. We can not control the diagnosis of cancer. So is pain aversion worth fighting for?

How will we deal with pain, unmet expectations, and the plethera of other things that can mark our lives? Will we fight for people? Will we fight for justice for the oppressed? Will we use our resources to help others?

As I think of Christmas I think of the story of God sending His Son to earth to live a life that was perfect in the sense of Jesus being perfect far from perfect in the sense of wealth. To die a painful and horrific death and take an eternal punishment that was meant for us.

Brokeness- that is a word that describes many of us and our world. I want to fight for wholeness, restoration, and forgiveness. That is what Jesus fought for and I want to fight for the same thing.

Preserving Life

Life- there are many cliques to describe it, there are many different ways of explaining it. In the end we all enjoy it to some degree and want to live as long as we can.

Today I was asked in prison self defense training "if you were attacked would you attack back physically to main or kill?" Of course the answer should be yes I want to preserve my life. But is perserving life the point of living?


Life is it about the length, is it about the perserving of it? Jesus said "whoever who loses His life for my sake will find it." This may be literal but in many cases this will be proverbial. Do we hold onto life so tightly that we try to love life more than anything else.

Do we love life more than anything else? Do we love perserving our breath here on earth to the detrimate of others?

While I pondered the question of maiming someone else to perserve my own life in prison. It brought me back to the reason why I walked into a prison freely in the first place. It was to share the hope, love, and life of Jesus. To me worrying about perserving my life goes in direct opposition to Jesus and the way He lived His life.

Jesus' gave His life for something greater than Himself. He gave Himself for the love of humanity.
His life meant something. Does my life mean something? Is there concepts, principles, or people that I would be willing to give my life to?

Life takes on a different tone when living with someone with a life shortening disease. Death and life is a conversation that can't be shied away from. We as a family are going to experience it sooner rather than later. How does this affect the way we live each day? It is impossible for us to preserve Kyle's life, we may prolonge it but the outcome is still going to happen. Reality it is going to happen to all of us just it is more immenent when we think about Kyle.

So what does that mean? For us there might not be a tomorrow to do all the things we wanted to do. Each day is precious but it is short. The words that we want to say have to be said today, the experiences we want need to happen now, the example we want to share needs to happen before it is to late.

As I think through the question of would I maim or kill someone trying to take my life? The answer is no because preserving my life for the sake of preservation is not the way I live my life.

what is different?

What started off as a good idea, no a perfect idea went horribly wrong. In believing that God created man and earth to be perfect I believe that the accounts in the beginning of Genesis are a depiction of perfect harmony.

I have been thinking a lot lately of what makes what we experience here on earth different than heaven. The pain, hatred, sorrow, pride, bigotry, was not what God had in mind when earth was created.

I have had numerous people ask me of late "why does God hate me?" The question means  the circumstance in my life are so bad that if there is a God he must be punishing me because it is so awful. Is that true for anyone? I don't believe it is, but I do think that there is enough garbage that happens in the world to make us think that at times.

What would it look if life was full of perfect people?  That is one small aspect of heaven. As I am thinking about this what does it mean to be perfect? Even when I do the "right" thing most of the time my motives aren't pure.

The idea of perfection when it comes to people is hard to comprehend. People do good things, and there are great examples of love, sacrifice, and courage in our history. But there is also much more examples of anger and hate. It pops its head up in all of our lives. What does it look like to have a pure motive? A pure motive is one that does not put self as the top beneficiary. In life we look at every problem and situation with us as the center. How does this affect me, my beliefs, values, and quality of life?  It is extremely hard to even think of life without being selfish at the core.

Trust, faith, patient, kindness, and self-control (among other attributes) do not come easy or natural to us. They may come natural in certain settings but put us in the tough or threatening situation and those attributes dimish very quickly.

I fully believe one of the main differences between earth and heaven is not having self at the center of every problem or decision.

It is interesting to think about trusting God, if God indeed created everyone than there is no bias. There is no bias toward certain races, gender, special needs, intellegence. How come I find it easier to trust humans who have biases (we all have them) then a God who is above bias?

Life on this earth will be difficult and imperfect in so many ways, but the desire for something perfect has to be one of thoughts when I think about heaven.

We all have normal childhoods because we don't know any different

Jill and I were talking about the many questions that we have been asked about Kyle. Many are asked about his sleeping habits- "does he sleep in his wheelchair?" "Or how does he go to the bathroom?"

Most are asked by children full of curiousity and wonder, not being exposed to handicapped children they don't know. One of the basic premises that surround these questions "is Kyle like us?" or "is he inhuman in someway?"

It is very easy on a very basic human level to see those not like us and have second thoughts or aprehensions that there is something wrong with them.

As a child we have thoughts that everyone's homelife upbringing is the same as ours. Everyone had basically the same experiences as us. Recently one of the guys in my prison class said as a child he thought white people didn't go to church because he never saw them in his African American congregation.

How many untrue thoughts do we have about others because we just assume? We never experienced something or saw it for ourselves so we think it isn't true?

As Jill walks through stores with Kyle and the look of disdain or fear of a wheelchair apears on peoples faces Jill will remark "you can't catch it."

Either consciously or subconsciously we teach our children about other people through the way we act and not act.

There are some things that Ayden and Ellyse experience that is going to be natural for them that would be totally foreign to most. For instance Ellyse has helped get Kyle on the toilet and it is natural. Both of them take Kyle for a walk in his wheelchair. This may not seem like a big deal but there is strength needed and care. It is very easy for cracks and bumps to derail a wheelchair.

Will this affect both of them in their lives, career choices, and the type of people they will be? I believe so. I think that at least Ellyse will end up caring for people in some capacity.

To continue to push ourselves through our prejudices, pre concieved ideas, and the unknown is difficult. But in the end we are cheating ourselves if we embrace untrue notions.

The beauty of souls

Gen 1:26 "Let us make man in our image."

Many people observe God through nature. They can see his handiwork through the beauty of sunsets, trees changing color in the fall, or through snowflakes. These are tangible expressions of God. Some may even see God's beauty through the various animals,and creatures. The originality of a platypus, or the majestic blue whale. These again are beauty that can be seen and appriciated.

I have been thinking a lot lately in the beauty found in people. Not physical beauty but beauty of the soul. If man was indeed created by God there are His fingerprints on each of us. Now I fully believe that we are sinful people and have a will of our own and do horrible things. But, I do believe there is beauty found within people.

It is very easy for us as humans to be around people that sound, smell, think, and live like us. No matter what our culture is we tend to gravitate to those that reflect our way of living. It is difficult for us to be around people that don't look at the world as we do. It is difficult not to become frustrated and call people ignorant, misguided, or just plain wrong. I believe that our view of God is directly affected by this. When we are only around people just like us who believe in God the exact same we do, this becomes the only picture we have. God must be this way because all of my friends believe this.

Prejudice may be one of the biggest obsticles we as people face. Prejudices can be against race, economic status, people that are handicapped or just stupid people. Pride swells up and the thought of God loves me more than these because I am smarter, more educated, or have it together is common place.

But what happens when we allow ourselves to listen, engage, and be learners from those unlike us? What happens when we sit at the proverbial feet of those who previously we thought we had little to learn from?

Recently I have gotten to be friends with Eli, Eli grew up a gypsy. I had never met a gypsy before and had all sorts of pre concieved ideas of what a gypsy was. One of the most important concepts he told me that gypsys have is family. The other is faith.  His upbringing looked a whole lot different than mine, his rituals, and even his way he viewed life was different. But as I listened to him, I began to see the beauty of Eli's life. He is a man of faith, he is a man of morals (very similiar to mine). But yet he is someone who I could say all sorts of nasty things about because he doesn't look like me. In our blossoming friendship he has already challenged me in some very good ways about my own life.

Don was a man I met via craigslist who bought a drum set off of me. We were in a parking lot in the middle of a rainstorm when he told me he bought the set for a son who wanted to play in church. Immediately I told him I was a pastor. He then for 15 minutes told me his journey from the church, . through some poor choices he had been ostricized. Don was a drummer like his son, and had been playing and worshipping God at home through his playing. As I was freezing, I was able to say a couple of encouraging words but again I could see God's work through Don.

Joe was another man I met via craigslist. He was a tough steel worker. He had picked up a table I was giving away. Joe had wanted it because he remakes junkie tables and makes them into something beautiful. Joe happened to have a zip drive with former projects and proudly gave them to me. Spiritually came up and Joe shared how he use to be Catholic but he had been going to a nazerene church with his wife. In a steel worker tone he told me he needed God taught in a practical no-nonsense way. He was very confused by catholism but had wanted a relationship with God. Through my conversation with Joe I again realized that God was working in Joe's life in a totally different way.

One last story, I met Garry last week at a storage auction. Garry was an African American man about 45. I had never seen him before and but he seemed very friendly. After the last unit was auctioned off Garry made a comment about my signature crocs I wear everywhere. So not letting a conversation escape I asked him if this was the first time he had been at an auction. He told me yes, and I am here because I fell on some hard times. I was a little confused and I asked did they auction off your unit? He said not here but at the next auction (they did numerous different storage units) they will. He then shared that he had been in California for a while and his son was to keep paying on the unit but had stopped to buy a car. So all of Garry's possessions were to be auctioned off. Immediately I knew I had to do something, but I had to get home so I couldn't buy the unit for him. There was a friend of mine at the auction and I usually don't bid against him as a courtesy. So I approached him told him Garrys story and asked if he could either let Garry buy the unit or buy if and let Garry get the personal belongings out. He agreed. Garry was thrilled. He then asked me if I bought storage units for a living? I told him nah I am a pastor. He then said I knew it, there was something about you that just glowed. Garry texted me that night and said I got my stuff back. I have no idea what happened other than God worked.

I fully believe God works through us every day, He has created us and expresses beauty through our souls. But it so easy to miss this when we are prejudice or so wrapped up in our own problems.

I love the different ways God has expressed himself but one of my favorites is through other people.