Cycles

The good and the bad are passed down to our children, grandchildren, and future generations. The recipes, the family stories, the laughter, the family traits, and mannerisms are all part of the fun that is past down generationally.

The problems are also passed down. Although we don't talk about class systems in America the way they are understood in a place like India they are among us. The chances of switching classes or escaping poverty is available it is not as probable as one would like to think.

What does our future generations look like? Chances are the majority of the people are going to be similiar to us and our standing in the culture.

I am struck by this concept more and more. I use to think when people talked about traveling to other places, visiting relatives, vactioning etc that it looked a lot like my experiences. But I realize now that when a "poor" person goes to visit these other places chances are they are going to be staying and visiting with those like themselves. They are not going to the same circles that I would go to when I go to certain cities or places.

This pattern and cycle takes a whole lot of effort.

It is with these thoughts that the topic of what does the future hold was the question for my prison class this week. In past weeks I had gotten some goofy answers at best of what the future holds. Rich, fame, women etc is a lifestyle that seems very attactive to them. But this week the answers were different.

A young twentysomething African American male stated I want to break the cycle. The men in family go to jail. That is what we do. Now knowing a little about this specific prisoner, he like 17 other men in my class are in for murder. This specific one killed someone execution style after a drug deal went bad.

So knowing about his background and always being one who won't take the right answer without probbing, I asked how is this going to change? How come you're kids aren't going to follow you right in here? He was a little less sure of himself at this point, he had the desire (at this moment) but not a whole lot of tangible actions that would lead him to creating a different future for his children.

Change no matter how small is, is difficult. Getting out of a cycle of unhealthy or not helpful habits is tough for us and for our future. Comfort is one of our biggest obstacles. Why change I am making it through? Why make it more difficult? Why work at something that I won't see the results for immediately?

How quick are we to change course when the path gets even a little unpleasant? I think through my life and escape is always an option. Whether that be a tense or unpleasant relationship, situation, or even something I don't want to do. But is this helpful? Not at all but pretty easy.

Life is much shorter than I realize or think about. Change isn't just about us in the here and now but change and breaking cycles is much more about our children and building foundations future generations will grow into.

Am I free?

Are you free? Another thought provoking question that came out of my prison class yesterday.

The topic was in regards to a story about Victor Frankl a Jewish man who was tormented and endured a Nazi death camp where he saw many of his family and friends die.

He realized that although he didn't have any physical freedom he still had the ability to think, imagine, and have self will. He excercised these freedoms and as able to influence many of those around him and guards for good.

So in the context of the question asked of me, there are many people who have liberties. But freedom comes in many different shapes and sizes.

For instance finacial freedom- if we make choices that include running up credit cards, over spend, and push ourselves to the max finacially do we have freedom? We have liberties to do all of those things, but hat does that do to us? We become slaves to work and money. We have to work ourselves ragged to pay off those things, and the stress that accompanies those choices.

We are free to make any choices we want in life- but what about choices that we make that are not for the better? Many people walk around with the guilt of these choices. They walk around with so much fear that they will be found out. That if they are found out what will people think?

So the question was a loaded one, yes I am free in the sense that I am physically not incarcerated. Yes I have the liberty to walk wherever and whenever I want to. But does that make me free? Are there people that have less freedom outside of the walls of a physical prision than those inside? I firmly believe yes.

I am not sure I can answer that question 100% yes. The fear of the future grips me quite a bit. Kyle's future, a life of pain and hardship surrounding that. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:34. This is a verse I try and hold onto each day.

Life can be extremely overwhelming and many times we live in dread and fear over what will come next. But does that paralyze us? Does it keep us from being free?

I want the answer to the question of am I free to be yes, but there are areas of fear that need to be constantly confronted.

Confirmation?

I am constantly struggling with hindsight. Lost in thoughts of wondering did I do the right thing, was that the right decision, was that the right move? Sometimes the thoughts can be paralyzing from moving forward.

A few years ago I read a book called Wisdom of crowds. Basically it was a book about studies asking the question are the majority of people right and should you base your decisions on what everyone else is doing? In short the answer is no.

The spiritual side of decisions is am I walking God's will, what is God's will for my life? In short many people are paralyzed by those thoughts also. With the worry that I am going to do something out of God's will that many people do nothing.

I will be the first to say not every decision in my life has been the most calculated, or even the wisest move. I have made a lot of decisions that I regret, not only from a right or wrong standpoint but also from a this was a huge waste of time standpoint.

The decisions that we make with Kyle on a daily basis is extremely tough and we may see the confirmation of right or wrong now but the full effect is going to be in a few years.

As I think through past, present, and future decisions I think not only about outcome but also character. In essence I believe that I represent what it means to follow God, and in some ways give a glimpse into God's character.

So what am I looking for in regards to confirmation? If the wisdom isn't in what the majority of the people say. What about the few?

One of my prayers each day is God allow me to have the courage to follow you even when I want to think only of my self.

It is easy to make decisions based on what will perserve me, my money, my selfishness etc. I realistically desire to make a few decisions each day that aren't based on that.

A couple days ago I was selling some dvds on craigslist. They for a minor amount of money but I was feeling extremely stingy that day and extremely selfish. A person offered me less money and I almost let them have it.  I looked at the text I sent him and it was much nicer than the mood I was in.

I begrudgingly accepted the amount and was hoping he wouldn't show up so I could sell them somewhere else for $20 more. The selfishness was creeping in for $20. (I am easy to pay off).

The young man showed up at my house, as I opened the door I knew I knew him but couldn't place him. We began talking and he shared how he was going to a show in Milwaukee. I asked him show like concert? His response was yea. I then asked him if he use to go to shows in Portage? You mean at Real Life was the answer.

(Long story short, I use to host concerts for heathen teens ( I say that in an affectionate loving way) of Portage back when  I was a youth pastor. I recieved so much flack and killed my desire to ever work with teens again. I regreted for a while ever doing those shows.)

He got excited when he found out I was the one who hosted them. He remembered me and told me I was driving by that church the other day and me and friend said "That is the church that loved teenagers."

I am not sure if there is better confirmation. Of all the words that can be said or used to describe a church or followers of Christ that is it.

As we all make decisions what is our confirmation going to be that we are doing what is right?

What is worth fighting for?

"My guidance counselor told me I had potential and could do many things the problem was there wasn't one thing I was passionate about." Were the words of a 23 year old young man I was talking to this week.
Through the conversation we had, I tried to pull out some sort of passion. In the end the best I could do was find out his passion for sports.
I wonder if many people in life have a passion that is worth fighting for? Ideals, principles, or people that they would go to any lengths to preserve.
Sure many of us have opinions, beliefs, family, jobs, careers, and even faith but do these become so familier that we become apathetic.

I love observing people that are determined, and focused. Curiousity and trying new things mark my life. So I really do appriciate those who are steadfast and solid.

Some are determined and focused because they have to be. Kyle has to be determined in order to get through each day. It is hard work for him to do the simplest tasks. It is work for him to go to school, eat, and go to the bathroom. Determination marks his life whether he wants it to or not.

Yesterday I met Bart. Bart is determined to provide for his family. Bart is disabled, an ex offender, and doesn't have much going for him. Yet Bart is determined, a hard worker, someone who is going to do all he can to provide for his family.

As I think back on this year in many ways I would describe it as a year of brokeness. One of the issues that has hit me the hardest is seeing many family and friends marriages/families split up.

It would be very easy to perscribe the items worth fighting for and those that are not. But the only one I can say that I believe is not worth fighting for is happiness.

I say this because for some reason we think that happiness is the goal in life. We (I) have the mentality that if I feel secure financially, safe from scary people, and have health than this what life is about. Once I have achieved these than I feel happy. Yes these are all the things worth fighting for.

But the questions is are these the things we fight for? Sure all these things are great but how much control do we have of these things?

Happiness- I don't believe comes from the logical places. Last week I had a friend text me and say I got a bonus from work do you know any families that coud use money this Christmas? Through the money given two families were blessed. Both have been struggling and fighting for marriages and survival.

This morning a man who lost his son to suicide is leading a group of people to build a bedroom for a family whose young girls lost their mother earlier this year.

Keeping away from pain, as much as try can we control it? Yesterday as we watched in horror of the conn, school shooting that was a good town in a "safe" neighborhood yet still tragedy struck. We can not control the diagnosis of cancer. So is pain aversion worth fighting for?

How will we deal with pain, unmet expectations, and the plethera of other things that can mark our lives? Will we fight for people? Will we fight for justice for the oppressed? Will we use our resources to help others?

As I think of Christmas I think of the story of God sending His Son to earth to live a life that was perfect in the sense of Jesus being perfect far from perfect in the sense of wealth. To die a painful and horrific death and take an eternal punishment that was meant for us.

Brokeness- that is a word that describes many of us and our world. I want to fight for wholeness, restoration, and forgiveness. That is what Jesus fought for and I want to fight for the same thing.

Preserving Life

Life- there are many cliques to describe it, there are many different ways of explaining it. In the end we all enjoy it to some degree and want to live as long as we can.

Today I was asked in prison self defense training "if you were attacked would you attack back physically to main or kill?" Of course the answer should be yes I want to preserve my life. But is perserving life the point of living?


Life is it about the length, is it about the perserving of it? Jesus said "whoever who loses His life for my sake will find it." This may be literal but in many cases this will be proverbial. Do we hold onto life so tightly that we try to love life more than anything else.

Do we love life more than anything else? Do we love perserving our breath here on earth to the detrimate of others?

While I pondered the question of maiming someone else to perserve my own life in prison. It brought me back to the reason why I walked into a prison freely in the first place. It was to share the hope, love, and life of Jesus. To me worrying about perserving my life goes in direct opposition to Jesus and the way He lived His life.

Jesus' gave His life for something greater than Himself. He gave Himself for the love of humanity.
His life meant something. Does my life mean something? Is there concepts, principles, or people that I would be willing to give my life to?

Life takes on a different tone when living with someone with a life shortening disease. Death and life is a conversation that can't be shied away from. We as a family are going to experience it sooner rather than later. How does this affect the way we live each day? It is impossible for us to preserve Kyle's life, we may prolonge it but the outcome is still going to happen. Reality it is going to happen to all of us just it is more immenent when we think about Kyle.

So what does that mean? For us there might not be a tomorrow to do all the things we wanted to do. Each day is precious but it is short. The words that we want to say have to be said today, the experiences we want need to happen now, the example we want to share needs to happen before it is to late.

As I think through the question of would I maim or kill someone trying to take my life? The answer is no because preserving my life for the sake of preservation is not the way I live my life.

what is different?

What started off as a good idea, no a perfect idea went horribly wrong. In believing that God created man and earth to be perfect I believe that the accounts in the beginning of Genesis are a depiction of perfect harmony.

I have been thinking a lot lately of what makes what we experience here on earth different than heaven. The pain, hatred, sorrow, pride, bigotry, was not what God had in mind when earth was created.

I have had numerous people ask me of late "why does God hate me?" The question means  the circumstance in my life are so bad that if there is a God he must be punishing me because it is so awful. Is that true for anyone? I don't believe it is, but I do think that there is enough garbage that happens in the world to make us think that at times.

What would it look if life was full of perfect people?  That is one small aspect of heaven. As I am thinking about this what does it mean to be perfect? Even when I do the "right" thing most of the time my motives aren't pure.

The idea of perfection when it comes to people is hard to comprehend. People do good things, and there are great examples of love, sacrifice, and courage in our history. But there is also much more examples of anger and hate. It pops its head up in all of our lives. What does it look like to have a pure motive? A pure motive is one that does not put self as the top beneficiary. In life we look at every problem and situation with us as the center. How does this affect me, my beliefs, values, and quality of life?  It is extremely hard to even think of life without being selfish at the core.

Trust, faith, patient, kindness, and self-control (among other attributes) do not come easy or natural to us. They may come natural in certain settings but put us in the tough or threatening situation and those attributes dimish very quickly.

I fully believe one of the main differences between earth and heaven is not having self at the center of every problem or decision.

It is interesting to think about trusting God, if God indeed created everyone than there is no bias. There is no bias toward certain races, gender, special needs, intellegence. How come I find it easier to trust humans who have biases (we all have them) then a God who is above bias?

Life on this earth will be difficult and imperfect in so many ways, but the desire for something perfect has to be one of thoughts when I think about heaven.

We all have normal childhoods because we don't know any different

Jill and I were talking about the many questions that we have been asked about Kyle. Many are asked about his sleeping habits- "does he sleep in his wheelchair?" "Or how does he go to the bathroom?"

Most are asked by children full of curiousity and wonder, not being exposed to handicapped children they don't know. One of the basic premises that surround these questions "is Kyle like us?" or "is he inhuman in someway?"

It is very easy on a very basic human level to see those not like us and have second thoughts or aprehensions that there is something wrong with them.

As a child we have thoughts that everyone's homelife upbringing is the same as ours. Everyone had basically the same experiences as us. Recently one of the guys in my prison class said as a child he thought white people didn't go to church because he never saw them in his African American congregation.

How many untrue thoughts do we have about others because we just assume? We never experienced something or saw it for ourselves so we think it isn't true?

As Jill walks through stores with Kyle and the look of disdain or fear of a wheelchair apears on peoples faces Jill will remark "you can't catch it."

Either consciously or subconsciously we teach our children about other people through the way we act and not act.

There are some things that Ayden and Ellyse experience that is going to be natural for them that would be totally foreign to most. For instance Ellyse has helped get Kyle on the toilet and it is natural. Both of them take Kyle for a walk in his wheelchair. This may not seem like a big deal but there is strength needed and care. It is very easy for cracks and bumps to derail a wheelchair.

Will this affect both of them in their lives, career choices, and the type of people they will be? I believe so. I think that at least Ellyse will end up caring for people in some capacity.

To continue to push ourselves through our prejudices, pre concieved ideas, and the unknown is difficult. But in the end we are cheating ourselves if we embrace untrue notions.