Thursday, February 21, 2013


Over the past 8 nights I have slept about 3 hours 4 of them. This is due to various reasons but the main one is Kyle has difficulty spleeping and needs to be turned over, and needs various things every 1-2hours. I have a hard time going back to sleep once I wake up so I toss and turn, lay there just thinking for hours on end.

So last night as I layed in bed thinking, I was drawn to the idea of ideals. Ideals we have as children, how those morph as we are in our twentys, more so in 30s, and I am sure realization and possibly sadness as we hit our 50s and beyond.

I have a hard time coming up with 5 year and 10 year goals right now. Ideals help shape what our present and future look like. Ideals for what is the best case scenerio for my and my families lives.

What does an ideal situation look like when you are living with a child who is facing death in the next 5 or so years? What does an ideal situation look like when you see deterieration before your eyes on a weekly basis?

I don't have any idea. I don't have any idea how exactly you deal with this in the midst of trying to live a "normal" life. As I think of just the sleep aspect, if I had to work a normal hourly job there is very little hope that I would be able to function on a long term basis. How does this affect our other kids? As I hear about parents having their children in sports, music etc how is not doing these kind of things going to affect Ayden and Ellyse long term?

Im not sure how one eye looks to the present and one eye looks to the future. What does the future look like? If survival is a word to describe the hear and now what does it look like when it is over? If most of my lifes energy was spent as a caretaker, then when that is done what does it look like? For all the sacrifice given to the present what is the toll it will take on the future?

Ideals, I am not sure if they are helpful or hurtful. The wonder of what if, the thought of doing something outside of ones ability. The desire for making a difference or even doing somewhat significant vanishes. Should it? Maybe we all go through the stage of ideal vs reality. Reality winning and settling for what is.

I am not sure I have the energy anymore for pursuing ideals. It is sobering, and somewhat sureal to think I was put on this earth to be a joint caregiver for my handicapped dying son. I am not sure how to do that well. I am not sure how to continue to turn down other opportunities, I am not sure how to be an emotional, and physical support. I am not sure how not to get frustrated when I have plans for a day that change because of sickness or other need. I am not sure how to use my best energy to help Kyle and use less than my best in other places.

All of these are sobering realities, and I am not sure how ideals should play into this.

Friday, February 8, 2013


The good and the bad are passed down to our children, grandchildren, and future generations. The recipes, the family stories, the laughter, the family traits, and mannerisms are all part of the fun that is past down generationally.

The problems are also passed down. Although we don't talk about class systems in America the way they are understood in a place like India they are among us. The chances of switching classes or escaping poverty is available it is not as probable as one would like to think.

What does our future generations look like? Chances are the majority of the people are going to be similiar to us and our standing in the culture.

I am struck by this concept more and more. I use to think when people talked about traveling to other places, visiting relatives, vactioning etc that it looked a lot like my experiences. But I realize now that when a "poor" person goes to visit these other places chances are they are going to be staying and visiting with those like themselves. They are not going to the same circles that I would go to when I go to certain cities or places.

This pattern and cycle takes a whole lot of effort.

It is with these thoughts that the topic of what does the future hold was the question for my prison class this week. In past weeks I had gotten some goofy answers at best of what the future holds. Rich, fame, women etc is a lifestyle that seems very attactive to them. But this week the answers were different.

A young twentysomething African American male stated I want to break the cycle. The men in family go to jail. That is what we do. Now knowing a little about this specific prisoner, he like 17 other men in my class are in for murder. This specific one killed someone execution style after a drug deal went bad.

So knowing about his background and always being one who won't take the right answer without probbing, I asked how is this going to change? How come you're kids aren't going to follow you right in here? He was a little less sure of himself at this point, he had the desire (at this moment) but not a whole lot of tangible actions that would lead him to creating a different future for his children.

Change no matter how small is, is difficult. Getting out of a cycle of unhealthy or not helpful habits is tough for us and for our future. Comfort is one of our biggest obstacles. Why change I am making it through? Why make it more difficult? Why work at something that I won't see the results for immediately?

How quick are we to change course when the path gets even a little unpleasant? I think through my life and escape is always an option. Whether that be a tense or unpleasant relationship, situation, or even something I don't want to do. But is this helpful? Not at all but pretty easy.

Life is much shorter than I realize or think about. Change isn't just about us in the here and now but change and breaking cycles is much more about our children and building foundations future generations will grow into.