The moment I knew Kyle was going to be a boy my expectations soared. He was going to do everything I had done and more, his life was scripted in my mind. Sports would be a central part of his life, just like they had been in mine. One of the first things we did after he was born was watch a football game.
As a new dad I had a lot to learn about expectations and the "ideal" for Kyle's life. Even as he struggled physically we were told by many professionals that it was just a delay and everything was going to be "normal" as he got older.
Then the phone call came. I remember sitting in my office at church, it was a little after 9 on a Febuary morning. Jill called and conveyed the news of the doctors. Kyle had muscular dystrophy. Not knowing what that meant immediately I went online and starting doing research. Reality hit right away, duchene muscular dystrophy was the commonest form and this is probably what Kyle had. Words like wheelchair bound, early death and other horrible things sprang from the page through my eyes and into my heart.
What could I do? As a natural fixer, how can this problem be fixed? How can the expectations be put back into effect? How can my plan for Kyle's life get back on track?
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, this was an unfixable problem, and this was a new reality. The old expectations died, there was a new expectation that wouldn't involve any of the former.
Over the next months and years, there was the thought of- this is not going to end well. A dread swept over me. Anger, fear, hurt, disappointment, and unmet expectations of life filled my thoughts and life.
Many people tried to help, but I don't know how we could have been helped. We didn't know how to deal with us and we didn't expect others to know how to deal with it either.
9 years into this I still don't know how to deal with this many days. My hope is that I don't view Kyle's situation as a problem but rather this is how Kyle was made. God made Kyle perfect, and it has nothing to do with my expectations or what I would think his life would be like.
I can understand why a lot of dads of kids like Kyle would check out physically or at least mentally. The mentality of- my child has a problem that I can't fix makes us feel helpless and in many ways inadaquate. We have to sit by and watch someone that we care for suffer and there is nothing we can do.
It is my faith that gets me through me on a daily basis, but it doesn't mean that the thoughts and struggles are not there, because they are. It is easy to guard ones heart in order not to feel the emotional pain. But I have missed out on so many special moments in life due to that mentality.
In the end as much of a struggle it is (especially emotionally) there is much joy that is experienced.
Continue to pray for myself and other dads as we struggle with the emotional pain and continue to stay both physically and emotionally involved in our children's lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment