Death- The road and circumstances surrounding death is much different in movies than in real life. Usually when death occurs in movies it is neatly tied up, final forgiveness apologies mended relationships happen. There is a peace or overcoming struggle before death occurs. A death that doesn't have those things occur would leave us helpless and sad.
Calvin was 47 when he died last week. I can't say that Calvin and I were friends, but Calvin wanted to be. We met over a year ago at a storage auction through a mutual friend. From that first day we talked quite a bit. We had some adventures together, one night I went to look at some guitars in Lake Station and Calvin came with told me he would protect me if anything happen and patted his side. Im not sure if he was allowed to carry but I was pretty sure I would be somewhat safe with a big guy like Calvin having some sort of weapon.
Calvin told stories about life in the good ole days of storage buying. Back when the companies gave people the units for free just to get rid of the stuff. One day we went to breakfast and he brought his wife with. He was one of the few people who referred to me as preacher. He introduced me to his wife with that title. That day they both shared their journey of faith, they loved being a part of a small church. They had inquired about Liberty but quickly didn't like the idea of going to a big church.
They hadn't been part of a church for a while due to some funny business by the former pastor.
But that had not squashed their faith, or their love for Jesus. They desired community.
Even after explaining what I did numerous times Calvin continued to think I worked with teenagers. he had all sorts of ideas for things the teens of our church should do with him. He wanted to take them to an archery range, he wanted them to come over and fish at his pond, he wanted to do a picnic. I didn't have a heart to tell them there is no way I can even ask the youth pastor is he will bring his kids to spend time with a big burley southern guy who smokes and uses all sorts of foul language. But Calvins heart for people shown through. Calvin was very intrigued by spiritual topics, he would ask me many questions and he loved watching the Bible on the history channel. He would call me on Monday mornings after the last episode had aired and ask me various questions. He had also expressed desire to start a Bible study at his house.
Calvin also had a great idea of taking a group of us on a storage auction tour through Kentucky and Tennessee. His mother lived in Tennessee and he wanted to bring us down there and visit with her along with going to auctions. I'm pretty sure it would have been an experience of a lifetime, but there wasn't anyway I was going to take the time to go with him and leave all of my responsibilities.
As I stated at the beginning Calvin wanted a friendship, I wasn't sure I had time, the energy, or even what would happen. So I began building walls and barriers. I built them because I wasn't sure what the outcome of this friendship would become.
He got on my nerves because he was unemployed, out of money, and always wanted to me to sell things for him online. He had unrealistic expectations of the value of things, and I got sick of it. He was trying to make money to buy his medicine but didn't have the money. I really didn't want to get involved with him, I had tried to sell a few things for him on craigslist and had been a little annoyed. It was because of this annoyance that I stopped taking his phone calls. I wouldn't call him back for days and only begrudgingly.
As I have a lot about it this week I ask myself why? Why was I so annoyed? Why was I so selfish? What was I scared was going to be the end result of this friendship? Was I worried I was going to be taken advantage of?
What ever the reason the barrier and the walls were built.
His death has hit me harder than most deaths I have experienced. His death left issues of unsettledness is my own life and thoughts. He had his quirkiness and his own issues, but no more than anyone else. He wasn't going to take advantage of me, he wasn't going to do anything to me, yet I was worried. I was overly concerned to the point of ending a friendship that wasn't needed.
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