Culture

It has been a curious journey this year for the Red Sox. As I await tonights game with the possibility of them winning the world series, I wonder what made them successful? Why do they have a chance to win the world series and 28 other teams sit home and watch along side me. Of course there is a lot of credit due to numbers, signing and getting players that sybermetrically are amazing. But to the naked eye there are teams with a whole lot more talent. They even had a better a team two years ago talent wise and traded away 3 of their better players. Yet this year they have a chance to win it. How has the culture changed within the organization/team? How is that even measured. I am sure the management of the team said as a bonding experience you all need to grow beards. Yet there was a bond and culture that has become evident to even an outsider.

I have thought a lot about culture lately and observe it in ever facet and aspect of life. Culture is something we can not neccesarily define tangibly or even be able to put our hands around but it is the way we conduct and do life with those around us.

As I was thinking this morning I was thinking of tangible ways our family has it's culture. Part of our culture has been defined because of life circumstances. In general we go to bed early, this is partly due to the kids getting on the school bus before 7 in the morning. It is also due to the fact the Kyle gets up throughout the night and we are just plain tired. So most nights we are in bed and asleep by 9. That is part of our family's culture. Did we make a rule or a plan? No it happened out of life circumstances. Many times culture does not happen intentionally it happens naturally.

I was having a talk with a friend yesterday and he is someone I highly respect. He asked me to lunch and as soon as I sat down at the table. He asked me why are churches so screwed up? I just smiled because they are filled with normal people that is why they are screwed up. But curious of where he was going I aksed him what he meant.

He went on to tell a story, he had been visiting churches in the area trying to find a home where he and his wife could connect with people. They had visited a church on a Sunday and went back later in the week for a Bible Study. The Bible study was in the church building and they were the new comers. So they began talking about love and living out the fruit of the spirit- living a life with joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self control. They were talking about showing love in their life, when a man came bursting through the doors about an hour late. Out of breath he asked is this were the bible study is? He then apologized for being late. He explained how he had a fight with his wife, was desperate for answers and basically this is the only group he could think of to come to.

My friend said immediately I knew this guy needed someone to talk to, vent, share with. But being the the new person wasn't sure what to do. So for the next half hour the latecomer asked tangible questions about the topic like, if you get in a fight with a women who you disagree with how can you love her? My friend thought this guy needs someone to talk to. In hindsight he thought I should have taken the initiative and taken him and talked to him. My question to him was what did the leader do. His response was the leader told him that they needed to stay on task and go through the material.

Now being in that position I understand the dilemma of catering to one person or keeping the group on task. As I processed this yesterday, I asked what does this story say about church culture? What does this say about what is important and what isn't?

My friend told me a second story. He and his wife have been helping out with a ministry that helps with the less fortunate. He was at a dinner one night, and the church that was hosting it was a charismatic church. They fed the people and then did a service, during the service they started speaking in tongues and started encouraging the less fortunate to do so also. They approached to people sitting next to my friend, and they politely replayed that is great but we are just homeless and came here for a meal.

Culture, it seems so normal to us. It seems like everyone should love this so much because we do. We are so ingrained in our own culture that is hard to see through it.

My friend who was very troubled by the tangible needs of these less fortunate homeless people. Began thinking what he could do. If having a charismatic service wasn't the answer what was it. he wanted to share the love and hope of Jesus yet knows the tangible need of these people. So he runs a business and gave them work. His wife oversees them. One day they were working along side her and were a little confused. They said are you guys Christians? She wasn't afraid to say yes. Then they replied you don't act like them.

I am not sure what they expected. But their expectations is the culture that we are or portray. Culture sneaks up and is created with or without our permission. It becomes our default. It also begins attracting others that resonate with that culture.

Changing any culture is difficult, church culture is no different. But as I see people like my friend and his wife tangibly acting like they want the church to act culture begins to change.

The social norm

As we prepared for our trip to Disney world last year, Jill contacted them about housing. It was interesting the response she got. There was only a few options for a family of 5. Disney world is built for the ideal family of four. This is their norm, this is who they are marketing towards. The ideal family, the social norm.
On Saturday Jill and I went to a marriage seminar, there was 500 or so people in the room. It was good content but 6 hours tends to make my head spin so I began looking around the room and my mind began wondering. I was looking for the couple that didn't fit in, what was the norm of this group and who probably felt like the outsider? As I started taking in the crowd, it was diverse in age. There were people of all ages, there were even a few minorities. But then I started to look for what was missing. I didn't see any handicapped people, all of us were dressed basically the same. It was a very typical social norm for evangelical Christianity.
Last night as a family went to a Halloween event with some friends of ours. It was in a different area of the community than we live so my curiousity was peaked again of what type of people would come to it. It didn't disappoint, there were all the typical Halloween get up, and then there were some people (mainly adults) that I had to wonder if they were wearing a costume or not. If those were fake teeth or their real teeth? That culture was very comfortable. But that group would not have been so comfortable in a marriage seminar with 500 "socially normal" people.
I have been struggling with this for some time, the culture that we build around ourselves consciously or sub consciously. The things that we take for granted as a value everyone holds around us, the people that we allow to speak into our lives that basically just reaffirm everything we believe.
As I continue to get older, I realize that I can hear the same answers and hear the same information reiterated over and over again. I can become pretty stagnant in my thinking because of the people I spend time with.
I recently heard from a friend in the field of American missions that only 2% of the American church knows the poor. I am sure the stats are skewed, but what does that say about us following Jesus' example? When Jesus came into this world it wasn't the "social norm" that he was looking to engage or even affirm. It was those on the fringes, those who were not so well thought of or even well liked. The Pharisees and the religious leaders did a good job on upholding and maintain the social norm. They did a great job of both defining and living by the norm. Yet that wasn't so much what Jesus was trying to get us all to.
I am curious what it actually looks like to live by faith. It is easy for me to ask other people who are older or people that are very Biblical literate for an answer. I am sure I will get a very good answer, and I am sure I will get answer that is very theoretical. But what if I ask a single mom who struggles with addiction, who is trying to make ends meet. Who has had a rough past but is trying to live a life of faith. What is her answer going to be? Is there going to be value in her answer? Better yet am I going to value her answer?
As I have thought about my time teaching in prison, I am confident I have been of zero help to the men in there. I have given them great theory, I have given them even some good common sense. But practically speaking they have taught me so much more than I could ever have learned. It has been the best way for me to learn about a different culture, people, and circumstances. It has opened my eyes to the world from another viewpoint. The question is does this affect the way I live my life? Do I value what men who have committed atrocious acts say? Or am I so arrogant that I don't feel that I have anything to learn from them?
Jill has told me so often that people don't see Kyle they see a wheelchair, very infrequently do I see people engage in conversation with Kyle. Why is it because there is no value of what he would have to say? Do people think it is only a one way street where they can encourage him but he couldn't be an encouragement to anyone else? Again I have learned and seen tons more Kyle than the little value I pour into his life. He complains less than anyone I know, and yet he has the most to complain about. He treasures and enjoys life to a great extent. He is simple yet profound, but yet very few have seen or experienced this both from him or the many other handicapped in the world.
Jesus came to live (incarnation) among people. He lived within the margins of society. He enjoyed, communicated, recruited, and loved those that most of us pass by on a daily basis. Where do I miss the chances, and the opportunities to be blessed, learn, and grow from those that don't fall into the social norms?

Ideals

Over the past 8 nights I have slept about 3 hours 4 of them. This is due to various reasons but the main one is Kyle has difficulty spleeping and needs to be turned over, and needs various things every 1-2hours. I have a hard time going back to sleep once I wake up so I toss and turn, lay there just thinking for hours on end.

So last night as I layed in bed thinking, I was drawn to the idea of ideals. Ideals we have as children, how those morph as we are in our twentys, more so in 30s, and I am sure realization and possibly sadness as we hit our 50s and beyond.

I have a hard time coming up with 5 year and 10 year goals right now. Ideals help shape what our present and future look like. Ideals for what is the best case scenerio for my and my families lives.

What does an ideal situation look like when you are living with a child who is facing death in the next 5 or so years? What does an ideal situation look like when you see deterieration before your eyes on a weekly basis?

I don't have any idea. I don't have any idea how exactly you deal with this in the midst of trying to live a "normal" life. As I think of just the sleep aspect, if I had to work a normal hourly job there is very little hope that I would be able to function on a long term basis. How does this affect our other kids? As I hear about parents having their children in sports, music etc how is not doing these kind of things going to affect Ayden and Ellyse long term?

Im not sure how one eye looks to the present and one eye looks to the future. What does the future look like? If survival is a word to describe the hear and now what does it look like when it is over? If most of my lifes energy was spent as a caretaker, then when that is done what does it look like? For all the sacrifice given to the present what is the toll it will take on the future?

Ideals, I am not sure if they are helpful or hurtful. The wonder of what if, the thought of doing something outside of ones ability. The desire for making a difference or even doing somewhat significant vanishes. Should it? Maybe we all go through the stage of ideal vs reality. Reality winning and settling for what is.

I am not sure I have the energy anymore for pursuing ideals. It is sobering, and somewhat sureal to think I was put on this earth to be a joint caregiver for my handicapped dying son. I am not sure how to do that well. I am not sure how to continue to turn down other opportunities, I am not sure how to be an emotional, and physical support. I am not sure how not to get frustrated when I have plans for a day that change because of sickness or other need. I am not sure how to use my best energy to help Kyle and use less than my best in other places.

All of these are sobering realities, and I am not sure how ideals should play into this.

Cycles

The good and the bad are passed down to our children, grandchildren, and future generations. The recipes, the family stories, the laughter, the family traits, and mannerisms are all part of the fun that is past down generationally.

The problems are also passed down. Although we don't talk about class systems in America the way they are understood in a place like India they are among us. The chances of switching classes or escaping poverty is available it is not as probable as one would like to think.

What does our future generations look like? Chances are the majority of the people are going to be similiar to us and our standing in the culture.

I am struck by this concept more and more. I use to think when people talked about traveling to other places, visiting relatives, vactioning etc that it looked a lot like my experiences. But I realize now that when a "poor" person goes to visit these other places chances are they are going to be staying and visiting with those like themselves. They are not going to the same circles that I would go to when I go to certain cities or places.

This pattern and cycle takes a whole lot of effort.

It is with these thoughts that the topic of what does the future hold was the question for my prison class this week. In past weeks I had gotten some goofy answers at best of what the future holds. Rich, fame, women etc is a lifestyle that seems very attactive to them. But this week the answers were different.

A young twentysomething African American male stated I want to break the cycle. The men in family go to jail. That is what we do. Now knowing a little about this specific prisoner, he like 17 other men in my class are in for murder. This specific one killed someone execution style after a drug deal went bad.

So knowing about his background and always being one who won't take the right answer without probbing, I asked how is this going to change? How come you're kids aren't going to follow you right in here? He was a little less sure of himself at this point, he had the desire (at this moment) but not a whole lot of tangible actions that would lead him to creating a different future for his children.

Change no matter how small is, is difficult. Getting out of a cycle of unhealthy or not helpful habits is tough for us and for our future. Comfort is one of our biggest obstacles. Why change I am making it through? Why make it more difficult? Why work at something that I won't see the results for immediately?

How quick are we to change course when the path gets even a little unpleasant? I think through my life and escape is always an option. Whether that be a tense or unpleasant relationship, situation, or even something I don't want to do. But is this helpful? Not at all but pretty easy.

Life is much shorter than I realize or think about. Change isn't just about us in the here and now but change and breaking cycles is much more about our children and building foundations future generations will grow into.

Am I free?

Are you free? Another thought provoking question that came out of my prison class yesterday.

The topic was in regards to a story about Victor Frankl a Jewish man who was tormented and endured a Nazi death camp where he saw many of his family and friends die.

He realized that although he didn't have any physical freedom he still had the ability to think, imagine, and have self will. He excercised these freedoms and as able to influence many of those around him and guards for good.

So in the context of the question asked of me, there are many people who have liberties. But freedom comes in many different shapes and sizes.

For instance finacial freedom- if we make choices that include running up credit cards, over spend, and push ourselves to the max finacially do we have freedom? We have liberties to do all of those things, but hat does that do to us? We become slaves to work and money. We have to work ourselves ragged to pay off those things, and the stress that accompanies those choices.

We are free to make any choices we want in life- but what about choices that we make that are not for the better? Many people walk around with the guilt of these choices. They walk around with so much fear that they will be found out. That if they are found out what will people think?

So the question was a loaded one, yes I am free in the sense that I am physically not incarcerated. Yes I have the liberty to walk wherever and whenever I want to. But does that make me free? Are there people that have less freedom outside of the walls of a physical prision than those inside? I firmly believe yes.

I am not sure I can answer that question 100% yes. The fear of the future grips me quite a bit. Kyle's future, a life of pain and hardship surrounding that. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:34. This is a verse I try and hold onto each day.

Life can be extremely overwhelming and many times we live in dread and fear over what will come next. But does that paralyze us? Does it keep us from being free?

I want the answer to the question of am I free to be yes, but there are areas of fear that need to be constantly confronted.

Confirmation?

I am constantly struggling with hindsight. Lost in thoughts of wondering did I do the right thing, was that the right decision, was that the right move? Sometimes the thoughts can be paralyzing from moving forward.

A few years ago I read a book called Wisdom of crowds. Basically it was a book about studies asking the question are the majority of people right and should you base your decisions on what everyone else is doing? In short the answer is no.

The spiritual side of decisions is am I walking God's will, what is God's will for my life? In short many people are paralyzed by those thoughts also. With the worry that I am going to do something out of God's will that many people do nothing.

I will be the first to say not every decision in my life has been the most calculated, or even the wisest move. I have made a lot of decisions that I regret, not only from a right or wrong standpoint but also from a this was a huge waste of time standpoint.

The decisions that we make with Kyle on a daily basis is extremely tough and we may see the confirmation of right or wrong now but the full effect is going to be in a few years.

As I think through past, present, and future decisions I think not only about outcome but also character. In essence I believe that I represent what it means to follow God, and in some ways give a glimpse into God's character.

So what am I looking for in regards to confirmation? If the wisdom isn't in what the majority of the people say. What about the few?

One of my prayers each day is God allow me to have the courage to follow you even when I want to think only of my self.

It is easy to make decisions based on what will perserve me, my money, my selfishness etc. I realistically desire to make a few decisions each day that aren't based on that.

A couple days ago I was selling some dvds on craigslist. They for a minor amount of money but I was feeling extremely stingy that day and extremely selfish. A person offered me less money and I almost let them have it.  I looked at the text I sent him and it was much nicer than the mood I was in.

I begrudgingly accepted the amount and was hoping he wouldn't show up so I could sell them somewhere else for $20 more. The selfishness was creeping in for $20. (I am easy to pay off).

The young man showed up at my house, as I opened the door I knew I knew him but couldn't place him. We began talking and he shared how he was going to a show in Milwaukee. I asked him show like concert? His response was yea. I then asked him if he use to go to shows in Portage? You mean at Real Life was the answer.

(Long story short, I use to host concerts for heathen teens ( I say that in an affectionate loving way) of Portage back when  I was a youth pastor. I recieved so much flack and killed my desire to ever work with teens again. I regreted for a while ever doing those shows.)

He got excited when he found out I was the one who hosted them. He remembered me and told me I was driving by that church the other day and me and friend said "That is the church that loved teenagers."

I am not sure if there is better confirmation. Of all the words that can be said or used to describe a church or followers of Christ that is it.

As we all make decisions what is our confirmation going to be that we are doing what is right?

What is worth fighting for?

"My guidance counselor told me I had potential and could do many things the problem was there wasn't one thing I was passionate about." Were the words of a 23 year old young man I was talking to this week.
Through the conversation we had, I tried to pull out some sort of passion. In the end the best I could do was find out his passion for sports.
I wonder if many people in life have a passion that is worth fighting for? Ideals, principles, or people that they would go to any lengths to preserve.
Sure many of us have opinions, beliefs, family, jobs, careers, and even faith but do these become so familier that we become apathetic.

I love observing people that are determined, and focused. Curiousity and trying new things mark my life. So I really do appriciate those who are steadfast and solid.

Some are determined and focused because they have to be. Kyle has to be determined in order to get through each day. It is hard work for him to do the simplest tasks. It is work for him to go to school, eat, and go to the bathroom. Determination marks his life whether he wants it to or not.

Yesterday I met Bart. Bart is determined to provide for his family. Bart is disabled, an ex offender, and doesn't have much going for him. Yet Bart is determined, a hard worker, someone who is going to do all he can to provide for his family.

As I think back on this year in many ways I would describe it as a year of brokeness. One of the issues that has hit me the hardest is seeing many family and friends marriages/families split up.

It would be very easy to perscribe the items worth fighting for and those that are not. But the only one I can say that I believe is not worth fighting for is happiness.

I say this because for some reason we think that happiness is the goal in life. We (I) have the mentality that if I feel secure financially, safe from scary people, and have health than this what life is about. Once I have achieved these than I feel happy. Yes these are all the things worth fighting for.

But the questions is are these the things we fight for? Sure all these things are great but how much control do we have of these things?

Happiness- I don't believe comes from the logical places. Last week I had a friend text me and say I got a bonus from work do you know any families that coud use money this Christmas? Through the money given two families were blessed. Both have been struggling and fighting for marriages and survival.

This morning a man who lost his son to suicide is leading a group of people to build a bedroom for a family whose young girls lost their mother earlier this year.

Keeping away from pain, as much as try can we control it? Yesterday as we watched in horror of the conn, school shooting that was a good town in a "safe" neighborhood yet still tragedy struck. We can not control the diagnosis of cancer. So is pain aversion worth fighting for?

How will we deal with pain, unmet expectations, and the plethera of other things that can mark our lives? Will we fight for people? Will we fight for justice for the oppressed? Will we use our resources to help others?

As I think of Christmas I think of the story of God sending His Son to earth to live a life that was perfect in the sense of Jesus being perfect far from perfect in the sense of wealth. To die a painful and horrific death and take an eternal punishment that was meant for us.

Brokeness- that is a word that describes many of us and our world. I want to fight for wholeness, restoration, and forgiveness. That is what Jesus fought for and I want to fight for the same thing.