Productivity

"So what have you been doing?" is a question I get asked quite a bit. I have been known for doing many different projects and being involved in all sorts of different ministries, ventures, and crazy ideas.
My answer use to begin with telling some off the wall story of something funny or moving that had happened.
As I have continued to evaluate goals and values in my life, many of those ventures and things I have been involved in have went away. Unfortunately there isn't time to do everything.
As Kyle has become less mobile the amount of time and energy I have for other things has diminished.
This has been a struggle, a changing of focus. This isn't a bad thing but a change, and change is always difficult.
Productivity has started to mean something different than in the past. If I wasn't busy,creating, or meeting people my day I deemed was not productive.
The grandiour ideas of doing something worthwhile, meaningful, and helpful to mankind was the focus. The only thing that has changed is the idea of something big.
As my faith is centered around acting like Jesus, being full of compassion, love, and grace I believe I still do that but it has begun to look very different.
It involves taking Kyle to bathroom quite a few times a day, it involves lifting him and moving him to where he needs to go next. It means getting up a couple times a night to get him water, or lifting his leg which has fallen off of the bed.
The idea of productivity is not the same. It has taken much prayer, to be at peace with this.
Being a caregiver of a special needs child is a ministry and a gift to one person. It is acting like Christ to not the masses but to one.
This has been a difficult change in my mindset as being a big picture thinker and wanting to do bigger things.
But if I am not going to care for Kyle who is? Making this conscious choice has been tough and cutting back on so many other things in life has been hard. It has helped me make small goals, and enjoy small blessings each day.
I still struggle with finding self worth from what I do and accomplish, but as I continue to find peace with where God has placed me, I continue to know that productivity does not always mean doing big things.